We have all read them. You know what I’m talking about. Those books with passages and passages of description of what can be seen, heard, felt etc. You either skip over these until you get to the story, or you persevere, trying to find why on earth did the author feel it necessary to write it the way they did? And why so much detail? We are encouraged to 'show don't tell.' But some authors seem to go overboard. There is one series of books I really like… except for the author's scene descriptions. (Please note that it is not a recent series). I would skip pages and pages of description of the land that the people were traversing, until I got to the story. I mean, I really don’t care how many types of grass there were, the mating habits of all the local creatures, or how many… well you get my point. Or it may have been the way the author describes a character. They do it in such detail that nothing is left to your imagination, and as an inventory list. It makes you want to shut the book and walk away. The cliché: He was six foot tall and had big muscles. He had long blond hair, square chin, and blue eyes. He wore a long dark green trench coat, black pants and thick boots. A fob watch hung out of his pocket. Another: He was a tiny boy. He was thin with thick dark hair and thick glasses. He wore blue jeans and t-shirts most days. He wore shoes that had holes in them. I don’t know about you, but I was bored writing that. My Writer’s Group Challenge: People watch through the month. Write down dialogue, setting and descriptions of people. Oh how boring were some of my descriptions. Here are just a few examples. Old guy – tall, slender, mirror sunnies on his forehead, black t-shirt, blue jeans, grey hair cut short except for a pink Mohawk. Young woman – Medium height, multi-coloured hair that looks professionally done. Short skirt, boots, tattoo on thigh and one on her calf. She drew looks as she passed by. Old man I met on a park bench outside a bank. It was a warm sunny day. His work clothes that were badly stained, stained work jumper and I think his shirt was white at one stage. Now it looks shades of brown and grey. Oh my! What a yawn fest. If I were to use these in a story, I would have no readers. They would be the ones shutting the book and walking away. I don't want that. Do you? Stephen King, in his memoir, On Writing, states on page 201: “Description is what makes a reader a sensory participant in the story… Description begins with visualization of what it is that you want the reader to experience. It ends with you translating what you see in your mind into words on the page.” Let’s have another look at the previous examples, and see how I have changed them to make them more interesting. You get leftover hippies, well this guy looks like he just time travelled from the eighties punk rocker movement, with his mirror sunnies and bright pink Mohawk. I had to double check. Yep! He had shaven grey hair around the sides and his face was brown and wrinkled like a prune. He must have been sixty at least. The young woman looked like she had stepped out of an art fashion magazine; with her model looks, Van Gogh hair, and wearing a short skirt that showed off log slender legs and the dragon tattoo on her thigh. All eyes in the crowded food court were riveted on her, but she either did not notice, or did not care to acknowledge that she shared the same existence as the rest of us mortals. The old man sat on the sun warmed park bench outside the bank. He looked and smelt like he had walked out of work twenty years ago and had never bothered to change or wash his clothes since. I think his shirt was white at one stage. Now it looks many shades of brown and grey. “You out shopping today,” he asked. “No. Just doing a couple of things and then heading home. I’m putting off shopping as long as I can this week. I just don’t feel like doing it.” “I eat out. The café down the road has good food. I eat breakfast there every day. I had a really nice egg and bacon sandwich with a nice cup of coffee this morning. I don’t shop.” With that he lit up a cigarette which effectively stopped all conversation. “Say what you see, and then get on with your story.” Stephen King How did the rest of my writer's group go with my People Watching Challenge and re-write of descriptions? The following are their re-writes. Enjoy. Nana Bread by Jacqui Johnson "Bouncing up and down on his chair as though he were reacting to short burst of electric surges, the toddler spoke as if to himself, as he announced to the café, "I'm having a nana bread!" Surprisingly awkward! By Verity Guiton I sat down at the table; enough space for one. I was illuminated under the sky light, feeling as if I was randomly selected in the audience by a game show host. This didn't bode well for me. I was going to be a chameleon and shift through the shadows. Sampling conversations was an art. They would be stored away and carefully selected down the track for no other purpose but to inspire. But could I do it? Not like this. I was on stage and everybody knew. A lady who looked like the poster girl for "People of Wallmart" peered over and grimaced. What if she saw? I'd receive a smack in the mouth. That's not how I wanted to go; being dragged around by my hair, as people bustling around the food court hesitated to look. Uh-oh...silence at the next table. I just recorded what they had for lunch. Are they looking over? I've got to get out of here! Various Descriptions by Ester de Boer She moved heavily from chair to chair like a fat, swollen blowfly depositing its eggs. Teenage boy mouthing his empty Coke bottle like a sucking infant, forgetful of his surroundings. An elderly man carries cups of tea unsteadily through the gauntlet of tables, kids, chairs pulled across paths- concentrating on each careful, bowlegged step. Another adolescent boy, in chequered shirt and dirty work cap, stands vigil at the counter for an opportunity to be served. His expression is pop-eyed, hyper-vigilant and aggressive. Strangely, in the erectness of his stance is the ramrod elegance of a ballet dancer. I want Nana Bread by Jacqui Johnson "Bouncing up and down on his chair as though he were reacting to short burst of electric surges, the toddler spoke as if to himself, as he announced to the café, "I'm having a nana bread!" Just enough description to peak your interest, set the scene and visualise the person. But not so much as to bog you down and you get bored. Let's sum it all up.
And in the words of Stephen King. “Say what you see, and then get on with your story.” I'm still learning and making mistakes. However, myself, along with my writer's group, are improving all the time as we learn and practice. Feel free to share your thoughts and any descriptions that you have written. Happy writing and thanks for stopping by.
2 Comments
3/3/2016 10:53:48 pm
ah Verity... I feel the pain of your paranoia!!! brilliant!
Reply
Megan Higginson
4/3/2016 07:44:14 am
Not everyone enjoys people watching. Verity described it brilliantly.
Reply
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorOn my blog you will find: Categories
All
Click to set custom HTML
|